Unships
by WritingStoriesInClass101
Summary: A bunch of short stories, featuring pairs that aren't really 'shipped', but would damn well provide a lot of entertainment when put together. Mostly friendships though and funny stuff. Rated T for Swearing, innuendos etc (it's a Gintama, Dammit!) . Sixth Pairing: HijiTama again. Previous ones were Nobume x Takasugi, Hijikata X Tama, KondoXTsukuyo, OtaexSakamoto etc.
1. Chapter 1

_"Drinking too too much Yakult, keeps you from growing taller than 170cm"_

"Isaburo, I want donuts." Nobume declared.

She stared at her boss at his desk, He didn't look up.

"Isaburo, I want donuts." She repeated.

The Chief ignored her.

"Isaburo, I want donuts." She said again, now at his side, her sword out.

Isaburo sighed and finally looked up from his paper work.

"If you cannot see, I am busy right now." He told her, completely calm, even with a blade pointed at him.

Nobume stared at him for a second, before speaking again.

"Then, I can go by myself. Give me one thousand yen for a ten pack." She said, holding out her hand for the money.

They had a stare down for a bit, Nobume's red irises bored into Isaburo's dead-fish eyes.

The Chief sighed again before taking out his wallet.

He handed her the one thousand yen note.

"Just remember, the last time you went to buy donuts by yourself, you ended up getting banned from the store and causing the Mimawarigumi to pay for property damage." He said, "Please don't let that happen again, You know how in-elite it is to file a report about a donuts?"

Nobume didn't answer, instead, she quietly made her way out of his office.

Isaburo sighed a third time.

"That girl can't hear anything, once donuts are on her mind."

He returned to his paperwork, secretly hoping that he wouldn't get a phone call anytime soon, about a gone-wild Vice-Chief.

* * *

Said Vice-chief found herself at the terminal.

The place had a small shopping mall near the arrivals area as well as a food court.

A Ms Donuts shop had been opened there recently.

This shop was one of the few that she had never been to yet, meaning they'd allow her inside.

* * *

Nobume quickened her pace, The smell of donuts had reached her nose.

It was still early morning and the donuts were just newly fried and set out.

She grabbed a tray and began to browse.

As she picked her favorites, a commotion began at the register.

"What's going on?" She asked the customer ahead of her in the line.

Whoever was causing trouble, was getting in the way between her and her donuts.

The business man in front of her jumped when she had spoken to him.

"U-uh one of the customers started arguing with the cashier. They're having trouble with his order." He told Nobume, after straightening himself.

Without another word, Nobume walked passed the businessman.

"Hey, don't cut in line!" The poor man protested.

Nobume took out her sword.

"Gyah! Better yet, don't cut anyone!" The man added.

* * *

"Is there a problem here?" She asked as she arrived at the cashier.

"What do you mean you don't serve any!?" The difficult customer growled.

"I-I'm sorry, sir! P-please calm down!" The cashier squeaked, looking scared .

Nobume blinked a few times.

She knew this customer.

In fact, she just saw him yesterday, during his meeting with Isaburo.

"Takasugi." She greeted the man.

The Kiheitai Leader turned to her.

His anger dissipated, a bit, when he saw who she was.

Instead, a suspicious glint appeared in his eyes.

"Hmm, well if it isn't the Mimawarigumi Vice-Chief. Did Isaburo send you to spy on me?" Takasugi asked.

"No, I'm just here to buy donuts." Nobume stated, her face blank, "Something you're currently preventing." She added, her eyes flashing.

"Huh, I wouldn't be having trouble if this shop wasn't terrible." He scoffed, "This is why I want to destroy the world." He added in a creepy whisper.

"We're sorry sir! It's just-" The cashier tried to say, but Takasugi didn't let her finish.

"You're one of the reasons why this world is going to the dogs!" He hissed at the terrified girl.

Nobume shifted the aim of her sword to the cashier.

"What exactly is the problem here, answer and I'll cut you after, Don't answer, and I'll cut you now." She warned.

"In the end, I'll still be stabbed, though!" The cashier cried.

The poor girl began to hyperventilate, but Nobume and Takasugi continued to glare at her, mercilessly.

"U-um, Can I step in for a bit?" a man asked, coming out from the back of the shop.

The manager had come out to help.

"Answer." Nobume repeated, her sword glinting dangerously.

The manager gulped.

"Well, you see, this young man was asking for something we don't serve." He told the Vice-Chief, "We want to do our best for our customers, but his request is simply impossible."

"What did he order?" Nobume asked.

The manager sighed.

"Yakult."

* * *

 _ **Nobume and Takasugi, I think, are a pretty dangerous pair. One spouts about destroying stuff all the time, while the other's first instinct is to cut stuff. I love how they are relatively serious characters, but still have weird food/drink obsessions like a lot of the other Gintama characters. Plus, they are, in their own way, very loyal to their masters/boss.  
**_

* * *

 _What do you guys think?_

 _I have a few more 'Unship' ships but let me know if you guys think of any and maybe I can come up with something for them._

 _Stay tuned, a preview for the next few stories: Gin x Kyubei, Ketsuno Ana x Yamazaki, Matako X Shinpachi and more! (not in this articular order)_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Guest:** _Woah, those are some wild Unship ships you got there. But I'll see what I can do, thanks for the suggestions!_

 **YuiLee** **:** _thanks, I had the idea because some characters do seem to have the potential of getting along well, but they never get screentime together. Those are some nice suggestions there, I'll try to come up with something, thanks!_

* * *

 _"Cleaning service ads always lie, they are usually people that steal your spare change when you're out of the house."_

Hijikata woke up feeling like sh*t.

He'd had a hard time falling asleep last night and, when he finally did, he proceeded to have nightmares.

Getting up, he noted how damp his shirt was, as well as the aching in his limbs.

He probably thrashed around during his bad dreams, he guessed.

The poor man sighed.

Today was not having a good start

He hoped a shower and a morning training session would improve it.

* * *

It did not.

Just as he was about to start his five hundred swings exercise, one of the men came running to him with bad news.

"Wait, what?!" He growled at the messenger.

The poor guy cowered in front of the scary, shirtless, demon Vice-Chief.

Understandable.

"K-Katsura's gang somehow found a way inside the compound, last night, and dumped several trash bags' contents all over the place, sir. We discovered it this morning, when several men woke up gagging to the stench." The young man repeated in a tiny voice.

An anger mark appeared on the Vice-Chief's sweaty brow.

"Why the hell would they do that? Just how old are they, pulling stupid pranks like that?" Hijikata growled, "Anything else? How did you know it was Katsura's faction?"

The messenger gulped.

"H-He left this." he said, taking out a piece of parchment from his jacket.

Hijikata quickly grabbed and read it.

He 'Tch!'-ed.

"You've got to be kidding me! Those damn idiots did this to get back at us for always blowing up their base? They should have just targeted Sougo, he's the one who blows stuff up with his bazooka!" He complained.

"Oy," Hijikata began, leaning closer to the already frightened messenger, "Find that Lazy a*s First Squad Captain and make him and his team clean up everything."

It was then that the young messenger burst into tears.

"I-I'm sorry, sir! Kondo-san had said the same thing before we came to you, but for some reason, the whole first squad have disappeared from the compound." The messenger blubbered.

Two more anger marks appeared on Hijikata's face.

"That damn Sadist!" He growled.

Hijikata made a mental note to put them on toilet cleaning duty for the rest of the year.

If they ever came out of hiding that is.

He sighed.

"Fine, go to the city and find me the cheapest cleaning service there is. Bring them here and let them do the work. We have more important things to do than pick up garbage." Hijikata ordered the messenger, then, before the poor guy could leave, Hijikata leaned in real close, his eyes dark, "Oh, and the money for the service will come from Okita Sougo's pay check." he added in a sinister whisper.

"Y-yes, sir!" The messenger saluted.

Hijikata watched the young man shuffle away.

Alone, the Vice-Chief took out a cigarette and lit it.

"Let's hope that's the only trouble for today." He muttered to himself, as he blew out some smoke.

* * *

"Vice-Chief!" A Shinsengumi member called.

Hijikata had just finished breakfast, when the man arrived.

"The cleaning service is here!" the man reported, breathless from running.

Behind him, three people, stood.

Hijikata's eye began to twitch.

Just where the hell did they find these people?

One of them was wearing something that closely resembled the outfits in the GhoulBusters movie, complete with the extraction pack, which, in this case, was a vacuum.

The other two looked more like teenagers cosplaying in doctor's scrubs, except that their gloves, medical masks and hair covers were colorful.

"We got the cheapest we could find!" The previous member told the Vice-Chief.

He may have said cheapest, but at least check if they are legit! Hijikata thought to himself.

He cautiously approached the 'cleaning service'.

"Oy, are you guys the real deal?" He asked the one in the GhoulBusters outfit.

"Of course, we get rid of all kinds of filth for a cheap price." The man replied in a strange accent.

"If there's something dirty in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?" The male in the doctor's scrubs began.

"If there's something stinky, and it don't look good, who you gonna call?" The female in the doctor's scrubs added.

"Sh*tBusters!" All three chorused, pulling a pose at the end.

Hijikata and the other Shinsengumi member stared at them, their faces dark.

"Ah, what are we doing? This is copy right infringement!" The male doctor's scrubs shrieked, breaking the silence, "Not only that, but it's a crappy rip-off!"

"Shut up! You know how long it took me to come up with those rip-off lyrics!?" The Ghoulbuster's guy growled.

"You only changed a few words from the original, though!" The male doctor's scrubs replied.

"Shut up the both of you." The female doctor's scrubs yelled, "AaAah, it's hot in this. I don't wanna wear it anymore, Gin-chan." she complained before promptly taking off her outfit.

"If that's the case, I'm taking mine off too, I can't breathe in this." The male doctor's scrubs said, stripping as well.

"Oooy! You little jerks! Now I feel embarrassed being dressed like this by myself. I feel ashamed now, You guys happy? You made Gin-chan feel shame!" The GhoulBusters guy growled, taking off his gloves and throwing them at the ground, angrily.

Hijikata's face instantly changed from dark, to pissed off.

"So it's you bastards huh?" He said in a menacing tone.

All three of the idiots paused.

"Ah, we forgot." They chorused.

"Sh*tBusters my a*s! Die, Yorozuya!" Hijikata yelled, as he took out a rocket launcher from out of nowhere and blasted them with it.

"Gyaaah!"

* * *

"Toshi, calm down!" Kondo pleaded.

Unfortunately for him and the Yorozuya, it fell on deaf ears.

"You damn, money-hungry, bastards! Why is it always you three showing up, when the compound has a crisis, huh?" Hijikata growled at the three tied up idiots.

"Luck aru." Kagura replied, blank faced.

She instantly received a head butt from her boss.

"You're making it worse!" Gin growled at her, he turned to Hijikata, "Now now, Hijikata-kun, We are the odd-jobs. It's natural for us to take any job asked of us. You guys were looking for a cleaning service so here we are!"

"We asked for a proper cleaning service, not clowns like you!" Hijikata growled.

"Sorry, Hijikata-san. Business has been kind of slow lately, and when we saw one of your men searching frantically for help, we took the opportunity. After all, haven't the Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi cooperated in plenty of operations, before? We just want to help you guys, since we've been through so much together. We can't ignore our comrades." Shinpachi told the angry Vice.

A sniff came from behind Hijikata.

"Shinpachi-kun, Yorozuya, you guys are too kind!" Kondo cried, tears streaming down his face.

"Don't fall for that crap, Kondo-san!" Hijikata yelled.

"Yeah, don't believe this damn glasses, he's a lying Otaku!" Gin yelled, "I recall him saying 'Since it's the Shinsengumi, the money they would pay us, was practically ours before. So don't feel guilty and let's scam these tax-robbing bastards!'"

"Oy! That was you who said that!" Shinpachi shrieked, "Kagura-chan, back me up, here!"

"It was definitely you, Pachi." Kagura stated, as she picked her nose.

The glasses blinked a few times at the girl.

"Oy! Your hand is free!" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Ah!" Kagura exclaimed, before stuffing her hand back into the ropes that was wrapped around them, "Whew, that was close."

"What the hell do you mean 'that was close'? You could have escaped and helped us escape as well!" Shinpachi yelled.

"Hey Shinpachi, it's not really smart to yell out your escape plan, when the demon lord holding us captive, is right there." Kagura told him.

Said demon lord was getting more and more angrier by the second.

"Oy," Hijikata began, in a scarily, quiet tone, "Since you guys insisted on taking this job...I'll work you to the bone!" He growled, as images of hellfire erupted behind him and a silhouette of demon horns appeared in his hair.

"Sh*t!" All three Yorozuya members swore, in their worst English.

* * *

"I want to be able to see my face on those floors!" Hijikata growled.

The Yorozuya members were currently scrubbing the Shinsengumi cafeteria.

This was the area hit with the most garbage from Katsura's gang, so it was safe to say, the place was filthy.

"Who the hell would want to see your face on anything?" Gintoki muttered.

"Hah!? What was that?" Hijikata tested, his sword poking Gintoki's cheek.

"Oy, this is workplace abuse, ya know!" Gintoki yelled, rubbing his face.

"Workplace? I thought you guys came here to 'help a comrade'?" Hijikata said, "So keep scrubbing or I'll use that unruly hair of yours as a mop!" he added, grinding his foot on Gintoki's head.

"H-He's a demon!" Shinpachi and Kagura stammered.

* * *

Hijikata sighed.

He didn't want to deal with any trouble today, especially those three.

He would have liked to leave them alone and go back to his own work, but, knowing those idiots, they'd have the whole place in chaos the moment he turned his back on them.

Wait a minute.

He did just turn his back on them.

Sh*t!

Hijikata spun around just in time to catch sight of Gintoki's Yukata, disappearing out the window.

"Dammit, Yorozuya! Get back here!" He yelled.

"We just got a call for another job! Don't worry, we got you a replacement for us!" Gintoki shouted at him, as they jumped from rooftop to rooftop, further and further away from Hijikata's grasp.

"Dammit!" Hijikata repeated.

He angrily shut the window closed.

What was he going to do now?

Stuck in his thoughts, he failed to notice another presence in the room.

"Excuse me, Hijikata-sama. Could you please step aside. I need to clean that part of the floor you're standing on." A gentle voice asked.

Hijikata blinked a few times.

The robot maid stared back at him.

"Uh, what are you doing here?" The Vice-Chief asked.

"Cleaning." Tama replied, nonchalantly.

"Is that so?" Hijikata said.

The Vice-Chief slowly moved towards the exit.

He paused.

"Oy, what are you doing here?" Hijikata asked again, turning around.

"Cleaning, Gintoki-sama called and said he was having some trouble with another client, so he asked me to take over his job here." Tama explained.

Hijikata's face darkened.

"You know, you don't have to do everything that guy says, right? Go home. It was that Perm-head who took this job, so he's gonna finish it himself." he told the robot.

Tama cocked her head to the side.

"It's fine. I like to help. Plus, the longer this garbage stays here, the worse it will fester." She replied.

Hijikata had a quick debate with himself, about whether or not to let her stay.

His thoughts were cut short when the smell of the rubbish hit his nose.

Hijikata sighed.

"Fine, Geez. But You're the one getting the pay for this, not that Perm-head. Well, uh, carry on." he told her.

"Glad to be of service." Tama said, with a bow, then proceeded to clean.

* * *

Hijikata watched her for a bit.

He felt a bit guilty, but, he had to admit, the work done by one robot maid, was a whole lot better than what was done by three idiots.

She looked way more responsible as well.

While Tama hosed down the floor, Hijikata approached her.

"I'm gonna get back to work. Here's a map of all the other places that needs cleaning. If you need help, feel free to ask any of the men around. Come see me if something urgent comes up." He told her, handing her a compound map, marked with x's, He pointed at a room, "This is my office."

"Understood." Tama replied, putting the map into her robe.

"Well then, See ya."

* * *

Barely an hour later, Hijikata, once again, found himself face to face with Tama.

"Hijikata-sama, I'm done with the cleaning." She reported.

Hijikata looked up from his desk.

"Oh uh, thanks. You can move on to the other spots with garbage on the map." He told her.

"I've finished those spots. As I said, I'm done with the cleaning. All of them." Tama clarified, "Is there anything else I can do? I have the whole day free, since Otose-sama gave me today off."

Hijikata broke his pen in half.

That damn perm-head bastard!

He had made the girl do work on her day off.

"N-no, it's fine. You can go back now. Enjoy the rest of your break." Hijikata told Tama.

The robot maid, surprisingly, stepped closer.

"Hijikata-sama, I noticed your compound's gardens are not maintained. May I fix them for you?" She inquired.

Hijikata, for some reason, began to sweat drop.

"No no no, it's fine. Really, you've done enough." He said, putting on a painful smile.

"I also noticed how dirty the ventilation system in the buildings are, I can clean those out." She offered.

"Nah, w-we like to breathe the dirty air, It's fine!" Hijikata replied, growling the last part for emphasis.

"The kitchens are also covered in grease, and the bathrooms are crawling with bacteria. I can take care of those." Tama continued.

Hijikata took a deep breath.

"Look, I appreciate the offers, but It's fine. You've done the job we got you for. You'll have the pay in two days," Or when I find Sougo, Hijikata thought, "So, please, go ahead and enjoy the rest of your day off."

To his chargin, Tama didn't budge, instead, she placed herself right in front of him.

"Hijikata-sama, I am a robot. I was built to help people. I cannot enjoy a 'day off' if I'm not helping others. What I enjoy, is seeing people smile, after I've assisted them. So, please, let me help."

Is this girl serious? Hijikata thought to himself.

Yet, he kind of admired her resolve.

No, he respected it.

The Vice-Chief sighed.

"Very well, but, just so you know, we don't have anymore money to spare, to pay you." He told her.

Tama broke out into a smile.

"That's alright. I also accept oil."

Hijikata couldn't help smirking back.

"In that case, I'll get Yamazaki to empty Sougo's car, of all the oil you could ask for."

* * *

 _ **Hijikata and Tama, I think, would work well together. They are pretty goal oriented and innocent in some way. I saw the potential during the Soul-switch arc but, sadly, nothing really happened between them there.  
**_

* * *

 _I plan to continue this HijiTama interaction in a later story, but I will continue to explore other pairs.  
_

 _I apologize for any OOC-ness, if any occurs. Most of these characters, I've never written before until now, so please bare with me, I'm still trying to get the feel of them._

 _Next story, I might do something involving Kondo._

 _Thanks for Reading!_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: YuiLee: Yay, I'm glad I am not guilty of OOC-ness! Thanks for the compliment! Yeah sorry, I just wanted to establish how they begin to interact without making it seem forced. Its hard to make two very hard working people have time to interact with each other, but don't worry, HijiTama will have another chapter later. Hope you like this chapter too!**

 **AshGlitter: ah thanks! I didn't think it was a good idea since not much people shipped any of these or might not give it a chance, but glad you liked it and gave it a read. Hope you like this chapter as well! if you have any pairs you want to see, just tell me ^_^.**

 **Arcninjaman12: omg those ideas have so much crazy potential, I'll take note of them. Btw, you sure you want me to write those ideas out? You seem to have a pretty good idea on how those pairing stories would go, and I don't want to over step any creative boundaries. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well!**

 **keks503: oh you like NobuSugi? maybe I'll write another chapter of them then! It was fun writing normally serious characters to act like idiots. Glad you enjoy reading these, I'll definitely think up something for Kamui x Otae, but be warned, I might make Otae beat Kamui a bit for the things he's done to Kagura...just a small revenge. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter as well!**

* * *

 _"Parks and gardens are for recreational activities, not for sexual activities."_

Tsukuyo blinked.

Last time she checked, Gorillas were found in jungles, not in a forest in Japan.

She took out the invitation and gave it another look.

"Just how lost am I?" She muttered.

"Oy! I'm not a gorilla!" Kondo shrieked.

"Well then, why are you here?" Tsukuyo asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

The Gorilla that wasn't a gorilla started to sweat drop.

"Eh? Ah me? I-I wasn't following Otae-san o-or anything!"

* * *

The courtesan of death had stumbled upon the stalker, on her way to a picnic she'd been invited to.

The picnic was being held by Kyubei and, since her clan were 'celebrities', the event was taking place at a prestigious garden of sorts for the rich.

"What kind of 'garden' spans twenty thousand acres?!" Tsukuyo grumbled, as she walked passed the fifth giant pond she'd seen in the 'Garden'.

The courtesan paused.

"Oy, why are you following me?" She asked.

Behind her, a head peeked out from behind a tree.

"Um, well, you see. I was er taking a stroll and I heard Otae-san was going to be here," Kondo began, "And, well, when I decided I'd go see her, I didn't know where to go, so I er, asked around where Otae-san was, the other stalker with glasses helped me find out, but now, well, I'm sort of lost."

Tsukuyo stared at the Gorilla.

The gorilla stared back, with ever moistening eyes.

Tsukuyo sighed.

"Fine, come along." She told the lost idiot, "But, I'm not really sure where to go either." She admitted, she took out the invitation again and glared at it, "The instructions aren't very clear on this thing."

Kondo, relieved, shuffled over.

"Um, If it's okay, can I take a look?" He offered.

Tsukuyo handed him the invitation and he began reading it.

"Hmm!" Kondo mumbled.

"You understand it?" Tsukuyo inquired.

"Hmm! Hmm!" Kondo let out again.

"You know where to go?" Tukuyo asked.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm-Gyah!"

"Answer properly!" Tsukuyo growled.

She plucked her kunai out of the Chief's forehead.

"Now, do you know where this picnic is or not?" She asked, giving the bloody-faced Gorilla a warning look.

He gave her an enlightened smile.

"No idea."

* * *

"Hey, are you sure we're still even in this 'garden'? Its starting to look like a wild area." Kondo asked.

The plain landscape they had been in, had somehow transformed into a jungle, after further walking.

"I dunno, this Garden is supposed to be for rich people. Maybe they are into this stuff." Tsukuyo replied.

She heard a squeak behind her.

Turning around, she found herself faced with quite a sight.

The gorilla stood, shaking in his boots, while a tiger glared at him from a short distance away.

"Are rich people into this as well?" Kondo whimpered.

"Run!" Tsukuyo shouted.

As soon as the Shinsengumi Chief passed her, she threw several Kunai at the pursuing beast.

Fortunately, she managed to hit it's paw.

It slowed down and they ran until it was out of sight.

"What kind of rich people garden is this?" Tsukuyo asked, out of breath.

"Well, there are those celebrities that keep tigers as pets or have them in music videos and stuff. Crazy though.." Kondo commented.

"Let's keep moving." Tsukuyo told him.

* * *

Tsukuyo found herself sighing for the umpteenth time.

"This place is harder to find than Waldo." She muttered, leaning against a tree for a short break.

Kondo took a seat on a giant rock nearby.

"Actually, I'm pretty good at finding waldo. I always beat Toshi and Sougo, on every page." He told her.

"I'm good at it too, but this place, does it even exist?" She replied.

They had kept walking until the Jungle had changed to mountainous terrain.

The uphill climb had then brought them to a forest.

Tsukuyo contemplated to herself for a bit.

"Maybe," she began, "we should keep going upward, we might see something from a higher vantage point."

"Oh! That's a good idea. You just leave it up to me when we get high enough. I play 'Find Otae-san' just as good as 'finding Waldo'!" Kondo said, proudly.

"That's something you really shouldn't boast about, though." Tsukuyo commented under her breath.

"Are you even invited to this picnic? They might not be too happy to see you." She added.

Strangely, the gorilla didn't answer right away.

Tsukuyo turned to look at him.

"Hey are you-" But she didn't finish.

Her pupils had rolled back into the back of her head.

There, sitting on the giant rock was Kondo, Also there, on top of Kondo, was a giant scorpion.

"D-don't move!" Tsukuyo said, trying to sound calm.

Her hand began to slip out several kunai.

The Gorilla sweated profousely.

"H-help me!" He whimpered.

"On the count of three, rush forward and keep low." Tsukuyo told him quietly.

Tears began to form on Kondo's eyes.

"W-what are you going to do?" He half whispered, half cried.

"Kill it, just do what I told you to do." Tsukuyo replied, her gaze never leaving the creature, which was now slowly pinching at Kondo's hair.

The gorilla, with snot and tears streaming down his face, nodded.

"One..." Tsukuyo started.

In an instant, Kondo jumped forward and slid onto the ground.

In a panic, Tsukuyo launched her kunai without aiming.

Two embedded themselves onto the scorpion, killing it, and the rest, well, they embedded themselves onto a Gorilla's trembling a*s.

"What the hell was that!? I said on the count of three!" Tsukuyo growled.

She began plucking out her Kunai from the carcass of the scorpion.

"S-sorry! It's just, I'm so used to the old man Matsudaira and his 'I only know the number one' schist." Kondo wailed, filled with both pain and regret.

Tsukuyo sighed, "What kind of police Commissioner is that?" She muttered, though, she still, as gently as she possibly could, took out the Kunai from Kondo's rear end.

* * *

"A-are they all out?" Kondo asked, "My butt has gone numb for some reason."

"Yes, I took all of the-"

Tsukuyo's face darkened.

"D-don't p-panic!" She screamed.

"What? Why?! And you're totally panicking though!" Kondo wailed from the ground, trying in vain to see his backside.

Without a word, Tsukuyo grabbed Kondo's hand and helped him up.

She then draped his arm over her shoulder, for support.

They walked a few steps in silence.

"Um, what's going on?" Kondo inquired.

Tsukuyo closed her eyes and sighed.

"The scorpion stung your a*s."

* * *

After a huge freak out, Kondo began to contemplate just how long he had left to live.

"We have to find Otae-san fast!" He shouted, "I want to see her before I-" He chocked on his tears.

"You're not gonna die!" Tsukuyo told him.

Though she herself didn't trust what she was saying, much.

The giant scorpion was probably an alien, no Earth scorpion could be that big.

And, from their history with aliens, those things were always bad news and most likely deadly, in some way.

"I'm gonna die without ever having been with Otae-san!" Kondo blubbered like a baby.

"Pull yourself together! You're the chief of the Shinsengumi for goodness-sake!" Tsukuyo scolded.

Kondo's eyes widened, "Waah! I'm totally abandoning my men! What will Toshi and Sougo do without me!?" he wailed.

Great, she just made it worse, Tsukuyo thought.

"There's still hope." She tried.

"You don't understand! Those two are gonna kill each other, If I'm not around! Who will take over the Shinsengumi then? Yamazaki?" Kondo cried, "Wah! I can already see it, 'Plain-Joe gumi'"

"That's not what I meant!" Tsukuyo said, "I'm saying there's still hope for the scorpion sting. If we find someone, anyone, they can help us get back to the entrance and we can get you to a hospital."

"But I can't feel my a*s!" Kondo cried.

"I'll help you walk, we can make it. Just don't give up!" Tsukuyo growled, pulling Kondo to his feet.

She, once again, draped his arm over her shoulders, and forced him to take a few steps.

* * *

Moving seemed to have calmed Kondo down a bit.

"You're nice." He sniffed.

"Th-thanks." Tsukuyo replied, giving him a strained smile.

"Sorry I went crazy back there." Kondo mumbled.

"It's okay, It's understandable. But don't worry, We'll get you help soon." Tsukuyo told him.

They kept walking until, to both their horror, Kondo realized his legs were also becoming numb.

Tsukuyo placed him on a boulder so he could sit, after checking for anymore scorpions that is.

She didn't know what to say.

The chief had the most saddest look on his face.

"I dreamed of getting married one day." He suddenly spoke.

Tsukuyo's face darkened.

No! Why was he saying this? She thought to herself.

It was getting too serious, was this still Gintama?

She didn't know what to do.

Tsukuyo was great at dealing with criminals and other riff-raff at Yoshiwara, she was great at leading the Hyakka, but...she was pretty awkward with people.

"Y-you can stay here, I'll go find help and-" she tried to say.

"Don't bother, it's fine." Kondo interrupted, "As a man of the Shinsengumi, I have already accepted that I could die at any moment." He gave a sad smile, " I just wish it was in a more honorable way, though."

"Kondo, I'm sorry." Tsukuyo told him earnestly, letting go of her qualms, "If only I'd dealt with the scorpion sooner."

"It's okay. It was partly my fault. I shouldn't have been here in the first place." Kondo replied, he let out a long sigh, "I'm always stalking Otae-san, hoping that it would somehow give me a chance with her. Who knew the stalking would get me to lose all chances of anything?"

Tsukuyo's face fell.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, "You sound like you really loved her."

Kondo smiled, this time with happiness, at the thought of the woman precious to him.

"I do." He confirmed, "I had hoped that one day, we'd get married."

Suddenly, Kondo chuckled, "I imagined we'd have a two kids, both as crazy as their parents. We'll probably name one ourselves and, since Otae-san's really close to the Yorozuya bunch, we'd let them name the other." This time, he laughed, "Can you imagine the kind of names they'd come up with?"

Tsukuyo couldn't but smile.

"That kid would hate them their entire life." She commented.

"Right?" Kondo laughed.

The two laughed together for a second.

* * *

Quiet again, the Vice chief looked up at the sky, as if to embed it into his memory for the last time.

"You think I would have been a good father?" Kondo asked, before promptly bursting into tears.

Tsukuyo immediately stood up.

She grabbed the front of Kondo's shirt.

"I'm not gonna let you die!" She growled, looking him straight in the eye.

With that, the courtesan began to prepare for a greulling run across the 'garden'.

She tied up her sleeves, collected all her kunai, then, to Kondo's surprise, began to gather branches from the forest floor.

Using the branches, Tsukuyo started a fire.

As soon as the flames were big enough she began collecting branches from the trees themselves.

She piled these branches near Kondo.

"If you throw these into the fire, they will emit a lot of smoke. Enough to spot from a distance. I've gathered enough for, maybe, a few hours, as long as you pace them well." Tsukuyo told Kondo.

Then, to Kondo's further surprise, she knelt in front of him and placed a hand over his.

"Don't give up." She told him, staring into his tear stained face.

"I won't!" Kondo wailed, bursting into tears again.

The courtesan smiled, satisfied with his answer.

"I'll go get you help, keep the smoke signal alive as long as you can. I swear I'll come back for you." She told him.

He nodded, unable to speak from sobbing.

* * *

After checking the perimeter to see if she was leaving Kondo in a safe spot, Tsukuyo was ready to go.

"I'll be right back." She told him, giving him a brave smile.

But, just before she was about to leave, Kondo called out to her.

"Wait!"

Tsukuyo paused.

"What is it? I have to get going fast." she told him.

Her eyes widened.

Kondo's face was dark.

Could this be the last moment? She thought to herself.

No, it can't be.

"Oy, are you okay?" Tsukuyo asked, her heart beginning to beat faster.

"I-I don't know how to say this but..." Kondo began, avoiding her eyes.

"What!? What is it? Are you feeling worse? Oy!" Tsukuyo panicked.

"This rock is cold." Kondo stated.

An anger mark popped up on Tsukuyo's face.

"What?" she asked.

To her surprise, and slight annoyance, Kondo finally looked up at her, he had a smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

"This rock is cold!" He exclaimed with happiness.

"What's that got to do with any-!" Realization finally hit Tsukuyo, "The rock is cold!" She exclaimed.

Kondo jumped up.

"I can feel it, the rock is cold!" he yelled.

"You're a*s isn't numb anymore!" Tsukuyo added.

"I can feel my a*s!" Kondo screamed with pure joy.

"Wait, we have to make sure." Tsukuyo said.

"Here, use this!" Kondo said, excited that he probably wasn't dying anymore, he handed her his sheathed sword.

"Do you feel this?" Tsukuyo asked, poking his rear end.

"Yes!" Kondo exclaimed, his face filled with relief.

"What about this?" Tsukuyo asked, hitting his left butt cheek a bit.

"I feel it!" Kondo shrieked with happiness.

"And this?" Tsukuyo asked again, hitting his right butt cheek this time.

"I feel it!" Kondo repeated.

"One more to make sure, do you feel this?" Tsukuyo said, giving a hit that covered his whole buttocks.

"Yes! I feel i-"

"Um, excuse me, what are you guys doing?" An unfamiliar voice asked.

A short distance from them, a guy in a ranger outfit stood.

Behind him were several traumatized children in school uniforms.

Tsukuyo and Kondo's faces darkened.

* * *

And that was the day that a park ranger and a field trip group, caught the leader of the Hyakka, spanking the Shinsengumi Chief with his sword.

* * *

Epilogue

"We waited for you for hours." Otae said over the phone.

"I am very sorry. I got lost." Tsukuyo apologized.

"Oh, Then it's my fault. I thought the instructions on the invite was clear enough. I guess it wasn't." Otae said, sounding apologetic.

"Don't blame yourself. I was just overwhelmed with how big the place was. I couldn't tell which way was which." Tsukuyo told her.

"Really? I don't think it was that big, you could see every corner of the garden from the pavilion." Otae told her.

Alarm bells instantly began to go off, in Tsukuyo's head.

"That does sound like its not that big, and there was a pavilion there?" she inquired.

"Yes, didn't you see it? You can spot it from the entrance the moment you come in." Otae said.

"Um, excuse me, but, could you tell me the address of this Garden again?" Tsukuyo asked, her eyes slowly rolling back inside her head.

Otae told her the address.

Tsukuyo's face darkened.

"That's totally different from what's written on my invitation!" She exclaimed.

"Huh? Really? Wait, who gave you your invitation?" Otae asked.

"Why you ask?" Tsukuyo inquired, she recalled who had brought her the mail, "Well, Sarutobi dropped it off and- THAT DAMN ERO-NINJA!"

* * *

 **I love Kondo and Tsukuyo as individual characters, they are both so big-hearted but awkward. They are similar in their older sibling/parental figure/inspiring leader vibe, Kondo to the Shinsengumi and Tsukuyo to the Hyakka. But, since Kondo is such a goof-ball and a softie, while Tsukuyo is more serious and strict, I thought their interaction would be interesting to watch.  
**

* * *

 _I have gotten plenty of new pair ideas thanks to everyone, I'm not sure I can write them ALL out, but I will try._

 _Critique is welcome! Also pair ideas if you want, I'm keeping a list (it's getting longer lol)_

 _Til next time!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the disappearance. I'm not exactly back but I just felt like writing this one out.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy.**

* * *

 _Even a Sadist likes cute, fluffy creatures, Especially ones that try to bite your head off._

"F*ck you Hijikata sixty one."

"F*ck you Hijikata sixty two."

"F*ck you Hijikata sixty thre- oh it ended." Sougo muttered.

He stared at the last foot print.

They stopped right in front of a warehouse door.

"Found ya." The sadist said, smirking as he slowly took out his sword.

With one leg, he kicked the door down.

"Shinsengumi, get ready to die you pieces of sh*-!" But he didn't finish.

Big round eyes stared back at him.

What he expected to be a warehouse full of smugglers, turned out to be an empty room occupied by one fluffy, fluffy creature.

"Oy," Sougo began, talking to the animal, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Sadaharu cocked his head to one side, before engulfing the Captain's whole head with his jaw.

* * *

Sougo let out a long sigh.

He closed the empty crate with more force than necessary, the noise causing Sadaharu to bark.

"Shut it." Sougo warned him.

He had managed to free himself from the giant dog's bite, so he could explore the warehouse, only to come up empty, with no trace of the smugglers in sight.

An S-shaped light bulb lit up in Sougo's brain.

"Hey," He called to Sadaharu, "despite your size, you're still a dog right? You think you can sniff out some smugglers or something?"

The white ball of fur lumbered over to the sadist, looking excited.

Sougo regarded him with a critical eye.

"I hope you can understand me." He muttered.

The first squad captain rummaged through his pocket, taking out a small plastic bag.

He opened it and shoved it under Sadaharu's nose.

"Can you trace this?" Sougo asked the dog.

Sadaharu took one sniff of the stuff before letting out a sneeze.

He pawed at his nose as if the smell was offensive to him.

"That's Nerra, a new type of drug being circulated around the city. Word is that this new drug was brought in by a group of amanto smugglers." Sougo told the dog.

Sadaharu let out a huff, still trying to get the stuff out of his nose.

"The drug is relatively cheap since its very easy to produce, its also very addictive too so it's become a hit in the Edo underworld." Sougo conintued.

Sadaharu replied with a 'wrow!' as if asking what it had to do with him.

Sougo sighed again.

"The drug's effects basically works like a lot of other drugs, it makes you feel very 'relaxed', only this drug has crazy aftereffects when it wears off. Users usually go into either uncontrollable rage or get real violent at the smallest stuff. I'd be okay with it if it means the idiot users and dealers hurt themselves, lessening their numbers, but," He paused, "Some of this stuff is now being used in Host/Hostess clubs and other Edo nightlife, with innocent people taking it without their knowledge. We've had several reports just this week of business men coming home from bars and going on a rampage on their own families, as the drugs left their system."

A small whine came from the giant dog, causing Sougo to turn his attention towards him.

The sadist was slightly surprised to see that the creature actually looked sad, as if he understood everything Sougo had just said to him.

* * *

"Wrow!" Sadaharu let out, suddenly nudging Sougo's chest.

"What?" The sadist asked, trying to shove the giant snout away.

"Wrow!" Sadaharu repeated, this time biting the edge of Sougo's jacket and lifting it up.

Understanding dawned on Sougo.

"Really?" He asked.

Immediately receiving a barked reply.

Sougo looked at the determination on the dog's face, before taking out the small packet of Nerra once again.

"This time, don't sneeze. The powder is very fine and can fly at the slightest gust of air, I don't want to be inhaling the stuff myself." The Captain told the dog.

Said dog replied with a bark that seemed to say _so it's okay if I inhale it, but not you?_

"Exactly." Sougo replied, earning him an attempted snip at the arm, from an annoyed Sadaharu.

The fluffball took a small, careful sniff of the Nerra.

He closed his eyes, heightening his senses.

Sougo watched him the whole time with interest.

He had to admit, a giant dog was pretty cool.

He wondered if he could get away with stealing him from China, maybe dyeing Sadaharu's fur would trick her.

His thoughts were interrupted when Sadaharu suddenly let out a bark.

"You got it?" Sougo asked.

Sadaharu let out a 'Wrow!' _Of course!_

The sadist then attempted to get on his back, only to be knocked down by a giant paw.

"Oy! What was that for, mutt?" Sougo growled from the ground.

Wrow! _I don't want your dirty crotch on my back!_

Sougo 'Tch!'-ed.

"I almost forgot whose dog you were." He muttered, dusting himself off, "Fine, I'll just follow you on foot, but don't run off."

Wrow! _I'm not promising anything!_

"Lets go." Sougo declared.

Both beast and human were soon on the trail of the smugglers.

* * *

"Oy," Sougo began, his face dark after seeing where Sadaharu had lead them, "Just how bad have those poverty-stricken trio raised you?"

They were standing in front of a familiar cabaret club.

"Who knew even dogs could be perverts." Sougo added.

Wrow! _It's not that, idiot!_

Sadaharu pointed his snout towards the alleyway beside Snack smile.

"In there huh?" Sougo muttered, finally getting it.

He took out his sword and approached the alley with caution.

* * *

Even though it was the middle of the day, the alley was almost pitch black.

Behind Sougo, a scared Sadaharu whimpered.

"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to, ya know?" Sougo told him.

The poor dog violently shook his head, as if to say _No, I want to do this!_

"Fine, but you better protect your own a*s if we come across those scumbags." The Captain replied, "And we need them for questioning so no killing." He added.

Wrow! _Says the one who's more likely to kill people!_

A sudden sound came from in front of them.

The two immediately shut up.

Sougo gave Sadaharu the gesture that he was going to keep moving forward.

The dog nodded in reply.

In utter silence, the two came upon a door.

Inside, boisterous voices could be heard of several people.

Sougo looked at Sadaharu, he pointed at his nose, then at the door, before raising his eyebrow.

Sadaharu took a small sniff before nodding.

 _There's definitely Nerra in there._

With that, Sougo raised three fingers, and slowly started a countdown.

As soon as he put his pinky down, he kicked the door open.

"Shinsengumi! You're all under arrest ya filthy scu-!" But he didn't finish.

Both dog and man blinked stupidly at the scene before them.

There, in what they expected to be a drug den, was actually one of the private rooms of Snack smile, and inside, looking high as kites, were the Yorozuya trio, the cabaret older sister, and the homeless guy with sunglasses.

"Woah! It's a sadist! Aahahaha, Gin-chan, I think I died and went to hell. I'm seeing the sadist!" Kagura squealed.

* * *

Sougo didn't know what to do.

These idiots were obviously drugged up, he just wasn't sure if it was unknown to them or not, as well as who exactly gave them the drugs?

"Hey bastards, how the hell did you guys end up in this state?" He asked, deciding that the best way was a forward approach.

Wrow! Sadaharu added _You guys look terrible!_

"Awwww, we love you too, Sadahawuu!" Shinpachi cried, glomping the poor dog.

The giant creature let out a howl _Get this glasses off of me!_

Sougo sighed as he pulled a very affectionate Shinpachi off of Sadaharu.

He didn't have time for this.

That was when he spotted the bottle on the table.

"Oy, what kind of liquor is that?" He asked.

"Oh, that's a special bottle our club has started offering recently, for the special customers that use the private rooms." Otae replied, smiling from ear to ear.

"Right, I need to speak to your boss." Sougo told her, making her giggle for no reason.

"Sure, he's in the room across the hall, but maybe talk to him later, he's with some special clients right now." She informed Sougo.

Without hesitation, Sougo made his way to the adjacent room.

"Wait!" Otae tried to stop him, only to be blocked by Sadaharu.

Wrow! _It's safer if you stay put here, Anee-san._

Otae paused, watching open mouthed as Sadaharu and Sougo went into the other room.

* * *

"Sorry for the interruption." Sougo greeted the occupants in his rudest tone.

Several eyes stared back at him.

The sadist smirked.

Finally.

What he expected to be a room of smugglers, really was a room full of smugglers.

"Caught you, b*tches!" He growled, before jumping at them with his sword.

Wrow! Sadaharu let out, joining in on the fray, _I thought you said no killing, idiot!_

* * *

"Sh*t!" Sougo muttered under his breath.

Maybe he should have exercised more caution when attacking a drug den, you never know where they used the drugs until it's too late.

Sadaharu put out another batch of Nerra infused incense with his paw, but the drugs were already taking effect on the both of them.

Sougo's movements were becoming more lethargic while Sadaharu couldn't seem to keep his limbs in control.

Of course, there was a more pressing problem they had to think about.

If these men had been staying in the drug-filled air for a while, that meant that the after effects would soon happen.

"We have to take them out before that!" Sougo told his canine companion.

Wrow! _I'm working on it!_

Unfortunately, the ruckus they were causing had notified the other smugglers around the area and more and more men kept filing in and surrounding them.

"Dammit!" Sougo growled. He couldn't believe he was saying this but, he needed back-up.

With one hand still swinging his sword, his other hand delved into his coat for his phone.

After pressing a combination of buttons, the message for back-up was sent.

The only thing was, Sougo wasn't sure if he could hold out until they came.

His limbs were getting more and more numb, his gaze was starting to look fuzzy.

Yet, more bad guys kept arriving to replace the ones he'd taken down.

He needed back-up, now.

"Wait a minute." he muttered.

An idea just popped into his mind.

It was crazy and very dangerous, but it might just work.

"Oy, Fuzzball, we're taking this to the other room!" Sougo shouted at Sadaharu.

Confused, Sadaharu hesitantly followed the sadist in his flight to the previous room, that held Gintoki and the others.

* * *

As soon as Sougo opened the door, he knew his risk would pay off.

There, on the brink of entering the throws of a drug withdrawal, were four very dangerous idiots...and a homeless man.

"Hey, these guys behind me said you guys can't have this room anymore, they're coming to take over." The sadist announced, immediately triggering the drug-induced rage.

"You bastards! How dare you try to kick us out!? Do you know who I am?" Kagura screamed, headbutting smugglers left and right, into unconsciousness, "I'm the queen of Kabuki-cho!"

"See!? I'm not just some glasses character! I'm strong too!" Shinpachi shrieked as he stabbed at the smugglers with his wooden sword.

"This isn't the time to express your character insecurities though." Sougo muttered, simply watching the carnage, happening in front of him.

"Who said you bastards can just kick us out of this room!? I'm the number one Carbaret girl in this club!" Otae growled, smashing bottle after bottle on the smugglers.

Sougo let out a huff.

He was all to glad to not be on the other end of these idiots' anger.

They were all pretty damn scary in their own way.

But, perhaps the most scariest of them all, was the boss himself.

Gintoki didn't say anything, he just glared silently as he took out smugglers.

His dead-fish eyes showing a dangerous glint that made Sougo itch to fight against him someday.

* * *

"Well, looks like our job here is done." Sougo declared.

Wrow! _The smugglers you're supposed to arrest are definitely getting killed, though!_

"Don't sweat the small stuff, as long as one of them is still able to speak after this, we can make do with that." Sougo replied.

In the distance, sirens sounded.

"About damn time they got here." Sougo grumbled.

He began to walk away, so he could greet his back-up.

Halfway there, he paused.

"Thanks." He told Sadaharu.

Wrow! _I'd like my payment in a years supply of dog treats, please!_

"I'll feed ya Hijikata, that's my final offer." Sougo replied.

Wro-ow! _No thanks, all that mayonnaise and tobacco will make my fur end up looking like the perm-head's hair!_

Sougo chuckled, "See ya around."

Wrow! _No thanks again, I don't wanna see your mug, especially near my Kagura!_

Sougo 'Tch!'-ed, turning around and walking straight at Sadaharu.

"Seriously, be my dog and I'll actually feed you, unlike those three idiots. Also, you'll get a cooler name, how do you like the sound of 'Sadomar-" The sadist asked.

Sadaharu interrupted him with another Wrow! _No thank you!_

"Dammit!" Sougo muttered.

He was then surprised by a gentle paw on his shoulder.

Sadaharu looked at Sougo with bright eyes.

He let out a small bark _I won't object to hanging out sometime, though!_

Sougo gave him a small smile.

"Yeah, that's cool. As long as you don't bring that annoying master of yours." Sougo replied.

Sadaharu gave him a look _As if I'd let my master near you if I can help it!_

Sougo smirked, "Damn dog!"

Sadaharu instantly had Sougo's head in his mouth _Damn human!_

* * *

 **I think Sougo and Sadaharu would make a good combination, since Sougo is a self-admitted insecure guy and since Sadaharu is a relatively innocent creature that he might not see as someone that would judge him, He'd be more open around the fluffball. Plus, as an OkiKagur shipper, I love the thought of Sougo bonding with his future-in-laws, even his future pet-in-law.**

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading and see you guys next time!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_BankaiKitty: Thanks! Glad you liked the interaction between Kagura's pet and Kagura's future husband (LOL)._**

* * *

 _"First impressions are as important as remembering to pay the bill."_

"Um, excuse me but, Is Oryou here?" An apprehensive Sakamoto inquired.

To his disappointment, the manager of Snack Smile shook his head.

"I'm very sorry Sir, She's off today." he informed the merchant.

Sakamoto let out a sad sigh, "It's my last day on Earth for a while though."

The manager, feeling sorry for the man, hurriedly took out the list of the cabaret girls currently present.

"We have many other great girls here, though. Would you like to take a look?" He offered.

Still looking bummed, The immature leader of the Kaientai took the list, with the head shots of the girls, and gave it a browse.

"Ah, it's no good. None of them can match Oryou's inner and outer beauty." He lamented.

"I understand the outer beauty part, but inner beauty? She mostly just kicks you in the groin though." The manager commented.

"But that's the appeal of hers!" Sakamoto argued.

In that instant, a light bulb appeared above the manager's head.

"Well sir, If you want that kind of 'appeal' and 'inner beauty', we have the perfect girl for you!" he announced enthusiastically.

Sakamoto cocked his head to the side, "Huh?"

* * *

Tatsuma Sakamoto, Leader of the merchant group Kaientai.

A man that was no stranger to dangerous situations, and, more importantly, to dangerous women.

Yet, in all his life, even compared to Mutsu and Oryou, he had never expected to meet a woman as scary as the one sitting next to him right now.

"Would you like a refill, Sir?" Otae asked with a smile.

"Sure, ahaha thanks!" Sakamoto replied, though a little awkwardly.

As she poured his drink, He took this as an opportunity to scrutinize her.

Of course, Gintoki had told him all about Otae Shimura. He knew just how violent she could be and how one should not mess with her.

Admittedly, he couldn't tell any of that from the way she was conducting herself now.

Maybe she wasn't that bad?

It was then that the customers at the next table began to get rowdy.

"S-sir, please settle down, you're disturbing the other customers." The manager pleaded with them.

"Huh!? We're just having some fun, old man. Let it be, geez!" the drunkard growled back.

Sakamoto looked away from them and turned his attention back to his companion.

"Geez, those guys are really something, ri-?" He attempted to converse, only, Otae wasn't next to him anymore.

"Oi! He said to settle down didn't he?! Can't you hear?!" a scary voice roared from behind him.

Slowly, with little beads of sweat starting to form on his brow, he turned.

Sakamoto's jaw dropped open.

There, holding up the two drunks in the air, by their collar, was Otae.

"Do I have to repeat myself again?" She asked in a demonic voice.

"NO! WE UNDERSTAND!" The two men chorused.

In an instant, she dropped them to the floor and had that sweet smile back upon her face.

"Thank you for your cooperation, enjoy the rest of your night!" She told them cheerfully.

"Yes, Maam!" They replied.

As soon as Sakamoto saw her making her way back towards him, the wary man placed himself in a proper sitting position.

"Sorry about that." Otae apologized when she arrived.

"No no, it's fine." Sakamoto reassured her quickly.

They contnued to drink in awkward silence.

Sakamoto, from fear of Otae, and Otae, for politeness to Sakamoto's silence.

* * *

At one point, Sakamoto finished the contents of his cup.

He nervously sat it down and mentally prepared himself to answer as politely as possible, when Otae offered a refill.

"Sir?" Otae began, looking at her quiet customer, "Is everything okay? Are you unsatisfied with anything I'm doing?"

The question surprised Sakamoto and he found himself looking at her.

His eyes widened a bit when he noticed true concern in the girl's face.

He instantly felt bad for behaving like he had.

"No, You're being a perfect host. I'm just the weird one ahaha!" Sakamoto told her, while scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

Otae gave him a small smile, "Did my actions earlier, perhaps scare you, sir?"

"Kind of, hehe" The merchant admitted.

Otae sighed, "I apologize. I didn't mean to give you a bad impression. If you wish, You can choose a different girl to serve you tonight. But if you allow me to explain, its just...It gets really troublesome when the customers become noisy, and I don't want the other girls to be bothered by it, so I usually volunteer to take care of the loud ones that come in." she lamented.

"No no, you're fine. Really!" he reassured her, "In fact, doesn't that mean you're sort of the leader of the cabaret girls here? Woah aren't I lucky? Ahahaha!"

This made Otae laugh a bit as well.

"Thank you sir." She told him, "If that's the case, then I'll stay and accompany you."

"Oh good for me then, I get to be served by the leader!" Sakamoto exclaimed.

Blushing, Otae placed a hand on her cheek, "Oh stop it Sir," She chided, "Although, I am the number one girl here, so I guess that does make me the leader." She added.

"See?!" Sakamoto replied, "Oh I'm a leader too, ya know?"

"Oh really?" Otae asked, the conversation beginning to become very lighthearted.

"Yup! Have you heard of the merchant company Kaientai?" He asked.

"It does sound familiar, though I can't place it." Otae admitted.

"Heh? Didn't Kintoki tell you about me? Geez, that buddy of mine, ahahaha!" Sakamoto replied.

"Kintoki? Oh, you are one of Gin-san's friends?" Otae asked.

"Yup! One of his oldest!" Sakamoto boasted, downing the rest of his drink.

"And did he perhaps tell you about me?" Otae inquired, starting to get the picture.

"Yeah he did! And wow, he tells quite the stories about you! Ahaha!" Sakamoto told her, as he downed the newly refilled cup, courtesy of Otae.

The cabaret girl's eyes sharpened, "Is that so? Tell me what else he said."

"Ahahaha, is Kintoki in trouble? Aahaha but I don't really care, so sure, what do you want to know!?"

With that, the two spent the rest of the night talking about a certain silver-haired samurai, that had no idea what was coming for him.

* * *

By the time the manager began to announce closing, Sakamoto was both drunk and very happy.

He had had a great time with Otae.

Perhaps all of Gintoki's stories about her, which Sakamoto had informed Otae all about, weren't true.

She was a nice girl, not Oryou, but still nice.

The next time he came back to Earth, he'd definitely check up on her as well, even if it was just for a nice chat about his buddy Kintoki.

* * *

The leader of the Kaientai sighed as he exited Snack smile.

Looks like he was off to another journey in space.

At least he had made a new acquaintance during his visit to Earth.

"Such a nice girl," Sakamoto muttered to himself, drunkenly, "Such a nice-GYAH!"

In his drunken state, he barely avoided the couch that had flown at him.

"OI!" the same scary voice, that he had heard earlier that night, shouted at him, "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, FREELOADER!?"

"Ah!" Sakamoto exclaimed,"I forgot to pay my bill."

He sweat dropped as the looming figure, of a demon with a ponytail, stepped closer to him.

"Ahahaha, sorry?"

Nice girl indeed, he thought to himself, before blacking out.

* * *

 **In all honesty, I just thought an interaction between Sakamoto and Otae would be funny. But I wanted to divert from what people expect to happen if they did interact and, instead of Otae reacting violently to Sakamoto's ridiculousness, I want to portray them as having an honest to goodness interaction that is until Sakamoto slips up.**

* * *

 _Thanks for reading! Til next chapter~  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Silverstrange1031: Haha 'dark matter on the inside', good way of putting it. Don't worry, I plan to make more interactions. Hope you enjoy this one as well!**

 **AshGlitter: oh those are interesting pairings! I can see how their interactions can be fun, okay look forward to it! thanks! And glad you liked sakamoto x Otae, hope you like this one as well!**

* * *

 _"Misunderstandings can lead to a world of pain."_

"What were you doing when the rebel Katsura was here?" Hijikata questioned.

"Not answering your questions just like now!" Otose growled, bravely blowing smoke in the Vice-Chief's face.

Though a smoker himself, Hijikata still ended up coughing.

He sighed, "Look Old ha- Uh I mean Maam, I get that it's a bother for you, but if you answer properly, this will be over quicker ya kno-" He tried to reason, only to have an ugly cat lady interrupt and grab his arm, spinning him around on the bar stool.

"Oi Oi, Normally I don't go for cops, but you're one good looking man, officer. So why don't you question me at the private room in the back?" Catherine said with a wink that made Hijikata shiver with disgust.

Behind her, Yamazaki exasperatedly tried to get her off of his boss, "E-excuse me ma'am, but I was already questioning you though!"

"Shut up you plain looking tax-robber!" Catherine yelled back at him, "I want the hot stuff over here!"

As the two started arguing, Hijikata grew more and more angrier.

Shaking with fury and annoyance, he shut his notebook with a loud clap.

"We're done here!" He declared, before stomping towards the exit.

Just as he was about to leave the bar, someone stopped him.

"Excuse me, Hijikata-sama." A soft but robotic voice said, "But you have not questioned me yet."

Hijikata, still with his pissed off face on, turned to look at the speaker.

His expression immediately softened a bit, when he saw it was Tama.

"Oh uh, Hey, it's you." He awkwardly greeted her, "Wait, I thought Sougo was supposed to question you?"

Tama tilted her head to the side, "Sougo? The Sandy haired policeman? He left after seeing Kagura-sama coming out of the Yorozuya upstairs."

"That damn slacker!" Hijikata cursed.

There was no helping it.

"I'll question you then." He declared.

This got an instant reaction in the room.

"Hey I saw him first, Tama!" Catherine screamed.

"Don't you dare hit on our girl!" Otose growled.

"Vice-chief, I thought you were my friend!" Yamazaki wailed.

An anger mark appeared on Hijikata's forehead, with a grunt, he quickly grabbed Tama's wrist and pulled her outside.

Before the idiots in the bar could give chase, The Vice-Chief took a turn into an alley nearby and tugged Tama along with him.

When a cat lady, an old hag and a plain joe, safely passed by the alley without noticing them, Hijikata finally let go of the breath he had been holding.

Now to get to business.

He looked at his subject of questioning.

Tama held her usual calm face.

Hijikata had to hand it to her to stay so unaffected, by the idiocy that constantly happened around her.

"Well then, Shall we?" He asked.

With a nod from Tama, he began his questioning.

* * *

Hijikata took a deep breath.

As he exhaled, he let his shoulders slump and his expression slack a bit.

Even though it was only the middle of the day, he was already exhausted.

Nothing like a visit to that idiot perm-head's acquaintances, to completely deplete one's energy.

"And we got no lead either." Hijikata grumbled as he opened his car door.

He slid into the drivers seat and contemplated for a second if he should wait for Yamazaki to come back or not.

"Let him walk." He ultimately decided.

With that, The tired Vice-chief put his keys into the ignition and turned it.

Then he turned it again.

And again.

And again.

And aga-

"What the hell!?" Hijikata growled.

Why wasn't his car working?

"You stupid piece of metal, wake up!" The man growled as he slammed his fist against the dash.

Panicking, he checked his gas meter, still semi-full.

"Then what's wrong with you, huh?!" Hijikata asked.

After several failed attempts at the ignition again, the Vice-Chief got out and pulled up the hood.

No smoke, nothing seemed damaged or anything.

So why?

"Dammit!" Hijikata let out as he slammed the hood shut.

It was at this moment that Tama peeked her head out of the bar, checking what the commotion was.

"Hijikata-sama, is there a problem?" She inquired, approaching the now sweaty Vice-Chief.

"My car won't start." Hijikata admitted.

"Perhaps I can help." Tama offered, then, without waiting for confirmation from Hijikata, she went over to the driver's seat and sat down.

The robot maid placed her hand on the steering wheel.

A few minutes passed in silence.

The whole time, Hijikata just stared, not knowing how to react.

Okay, he may have done more than just staring.

The Vice-Chief scrutinized Tama.

They had met several times before, the most recent being the time she helped clean up their headquarters.

Since then, he had thought their relationship had become quite amicable, but seeing her again now, it still felt awkward.

* * *

Too absorbed in his thoughts, Hijikata failed to notice that Tama had begun speaking.

She was whispering something to his car.

It was only when the engine roared back to life, did Hijikata realize what was going on.

"You did it!" He exclaimed, looking both surprised and pleased.

Tama gave him a small smile, "She just needed some nice words said to her, I think she should be fine now, Hijikata-sama."

"Thanks a lot, er..." Hijikata paused, "Can I call you Tama?"

"Of course, it is the name my friends gave me when they saved me." Tama replied.

With a grateful smile, Hijikata spoke, "Thank you, Tama."

The robot maid gave him a small bow, before removing herself from the driver's seat.

The moment she got off, the car immediately died once again.

Hijikata's smile slowly faded from his face.

"Eh?"

* * *

"Vice-Chief, come in, Vice-Chief! Over." A voice came from the walkie talkie in the car.

Hijiata, with one hand still on the wheel, grabbed it with the other.

"Hijiata here. What is it? Over." He said into the device.

"We have a confirmed sighting of Katsura at the southern district, We'll text you the exact location now. Over." The voice replied.

Dropping the walkie talkie back into it's holder, Hijikata grabbed his phone from his pocket.

He took one look at the address before making a sharp turn on the road.

"Put your seat belt on, It's gonna get a little rough." He announced.

* * *

On the scene, several other Shinsengumi cars were already parked there.

The officers from those cars, had the building surrounded.

One was already shouting through a megaphone, for Katsura to give himself up.

"We made it in time." Hijikata said, before stepping out of the car.

Spotting his boss, Yamazaki ran over to him.

"Oh Zaki, how'd you get here?" Hijikata greeted him, totally playing innocent, as if he hadn't been the one that had abandoned him at Kabuki-cho.

"I hitched a ride with Okita-san after the China girl beat him up." Yamazaki replied, giving him a look.

"Good good." Hijikata said distractedly, he looked nervous for some reason.

Yamazaki looked behind him at his car.

"Uh Vice-chief, your car is still on, maybe you should off it for now, knowing Katsura, this may take a while." Yamazaki advised his superior.

Hijikata grimaced, "Uh, eh, nah, I-It's fine. Don't bother with it."

But Yamazaki continued to stare at his vehicle, it looked like someone was sitting in the passenger's seat.

"Sir, who's tha-?" Yamazaki tried to ask, only to have Hijikata grab him and pull him along towards the building.

"I said don't worry about it," He told the spy, nervously, "Stop looking at my car!"

Unfortunately, now that Hijiata was dragging him, Yamazaki was at a lower vantage point than before, giving him the perfect view of Hijikata's passenger.

"T-T-T-TAMA-SAN!?" Yamazaki shrieked.

* * *

Still sporting her calm expression, Tama removed her palm from the dashboard.

Hijikata's car immediately turned off.

Slowly, she placed her hand back on and the engine came alive.

"As you can see, she's being very stubborn." Tama said.

Yamazaki's eye twitched.

Sure, the two had provided a perfectly valid excuse as to why Tama was riding with Hijikata.

Yet.

Yet.

Damn you, Mayonnaise bastard!Yamazaki thought in his head.

He didn't mind losing to Hijikata when the Cat woman before, wanted the Vice-Chief instead of him.

But Tama-san was a whole different story.

"So you brought her along, Vice-Chief." Yamazaki muttered.

Hijikata immediately snapped, "Of course I had to! I had no choice, ya know?!"

The spy let out a sad sigh, "Fine. I get it. It's not like you were betraying our friendship on purpose. I get it."

"That's right it just happened." Tama added.

"Yeah, if only I knew broken hearts could occur suddenly like this." Yamazaki lamented.

The whole time, Hijikata's face becoming darker and darker.

"Oi stop that will ya?! Why did this suddenly become some love triangle drama? I'm just a guy with car troubles, Oi!" He burst.

Yamazaki gave him a saddened look, "It's okay Hijikata-san, you don't have to feel bad. It's not like Tama-san and I had anything. I-I'm just happy she's found someone as great as you, Vice-Chief!" he wailed before bursting into tears.

"Thank you for being so understanding." Tama said, patting Yamazaki's back.

"You're not helping, Tama!" Hijikata growled.

Yamazaki's crying immediately increased ten fold.

"T-Tama? Not even with a '-san' or anything?" He cried, "How long has this relationship been going on?!"

Tama put a finger to her chin, thinking, "Let's see, I met Hijikata-sama almost a hundred episodes ago so..."

"A hundred episodes?!" Yamazaki repeated, before increasing his crying volume once again.

"I'm seriously gonna beat the both of you if you two don't stop!" Hijikata shouted, at the end of his wits.

* * *

As if things couldn't get worse, a megaphone blared.

"Look at that, the demon Vice-Chief really is demonic, stealing his own subordinate's girl. If this is the kind of people protecting Edo, then we are right to try to take down the government!" Katsura joined in, through the megaphone from the building window.

To Hijikata;s horror, all those present on the scene, from his shinsengumi members, to the joi rebels, were watching them the whole time.

"It's not like that!" He shouted.

"Vice-Chief, how could you?" several of the men asked, looking scandalized.

Realizing they wouldn't listen, Hijikata looked pleadingly at Tama.

She seemed to get the message because next thing he knew, she stepped out of the car and stood next to him.

"Everyone, you are mistaken." Tama announced.

"Then what is it?" Sougo asked, emerging from the crowd of men, looking highly amused.

He spotted the way Hijikata was sweating with nervousness and the Captain could barely keep the smile from spreading on his face.

"Hijikata-sama and I are not together like that." Tama began.

All the men leaned in to hear her speak.

Katsura and his rebels, idiotically, left the building and walked over, to listen as well.

Tama opened her mouth.

Everyone sucked in their breath.

"Hijikata-sama hired me to stay with him." Tama revealed.

Said Hijikata, immediately crumbled into a dust heap of embarassment.

"What!?" Katsura cried through his megaphone, "You mean to say that the Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, hired a woman to be with him!?"

"Hijikata-san, I'm really dissappointed in you!" Sougo tried to say with shock, only to fail and accidentally let out a few giggles.

"Vice-Chief, of all people, how could you!" The rest of the men cried, aghast.

All those present stared at Hijikata, waiting for a response.

Reassembling back into a human, Hijikata took one look at all the faces accusing him, before grabbing Tama's hand and making a run for his car.

"Get him!" Katsura Shouted.

Both Shinsengumi members and Joi rebels obeyed and chased after the Vice-Chief.

* * *

"Get in!" Hijikata told Tama, opening the door for her.

The robot maid slipped inside, followed by the Vice-Chief himself.

"Turn her on, now!" He said, breathing heavily.

Tama placed her hand against the dashboard, the engine roared to life.

"Buckle up." Hijikata warned, before backing out from among the other Shinsengumi cars.

Just as he was cleared of the vehicular obstacles, he faced a human one.

There, rushing at him head-on, was a crowd of Shinsengumi and Joi members.

"Hijikata-sama, are we trapped?" Tama asked, looking behind them and seeing that that way was blocked by trees.

"Not for long." Hijikata declared, before revving up his engine.

He pushed his foot hard against the pedal, and the car jolted forward.

"You're going to hit them." Tama stated, for the first time showing slight emotion in her voice.

"No I'm not!" Hjikata replied, determinedly still driving ahead.

"They're not budging." Tama stated, looking at the crowd of people still coming.

"They'll move." Hijikata argued, His knuckles going white on the steering wheel.

"Hijikata-sama, stop!" Tama cried as the car finally got within only a few feet of distance before the crowd.

"AAAArrrghhhh!" Hijiata let out as he plowed through his own men and his enemies.

Or at least he thought he plowed through them.

* * *

From the Crowd's point of view, it went a little something like this.

"He's gonna hit us!" The Shinsengumi members cried.

"No he's not, keep going!" Sougo yelled back.

"We're gonna get run over!" The joi rebels wailed.

"Keep going men! He'll stop when he sees we're still going!" Katsura told them, riding atop Elizabeth.

"He's not stopping, though!" The Shinsengumi men shouted.

"Don't stop, or you'll have me to answer to!" Sougo growled at them.

"Katsura-san, he's really gonna keep driving at us!" The Joi rebels pleaded.

"A wise man once said, face challenges head on!" Katsura preached.

"I don't think they meant it in this context!" his men replied.

Then, as the car got within only a short distance ahead of them, that was when realization struck the two idiot leaders.

"Gyaaah! He's really gonna hit us, run away!" Katsura shrieked.

"That's what we've been telling you!" His men yelled back, turning tail and running the opposite direction.

"That damn bastard! He's really not stopping huh?" Sougo growled.

"Sir, we're retreating!" His men declared.

The Shinsengumi began to disperse, leaving Sougo behind, still in the trajectory of the car.

"Sir, what are you doing? Move!" The Shinsengumi members shouted.

With blazing, sadistic eyes, Sougo took out his bazooka and aimed it at the car.

Only, it was right in front of him now.

"GYAAAAH!"

* * *

Speeding through the streets of Edo, Hijikata tried not to think of all the traffic laws he was currently breaking.

"Hijikata-sama?" Tama began.

"Yeah?" Hijikata replied.

"I think we hit someone back there." Tama told him, "I definitely felt a bump."

Hijikata's face slightly darkened, "D-don't think about it. It's probably some rebel scum that deserves it."

"Oh, okay." Tama replied, putting her eyes back on the road.

Silence fell between them again.

Hijikata couldn't help feel like their relationship had gotten more awkward, after the misunderstanding of their relationship just now.

"Listen I-"Hijikata Began.

"Hijikata-sama I-" Tama said at the same time.

The Vice-Chief grimaced, "Sorry, you go first."

Tama blinked at him.

"Hijikata-sama, I'm sorry for causing you trouble with that misunderstanding." She told him.

Hijikata's eyes widened at her apology.

The robot maid looked away from him, and placed her gaze on her lap.

"I'm supposed to help people, but all I did was make things difficult for you." She said, and, if you were to ask Hijikata, she actually sounded kind of sad, in his opinion.

The man sighed, "It's not your fault. You really were helping me. You shouldn't blame yourself for the idiocy of those guys." he tried to console her.

"Still, because of me, you're now in this situation." Tama muttered, still avoiding his eyes.

Gulping, Hijikata tried again to cheer her up, "Hey, don't worry. This is Gintama, those idiots would have forgotten all about this by now. Things are never serious for long." He said, slightly breaking the fourth wall.

But Tama still would not budge, "Perhaps if I stayed with you until you were to face them again, I can help explain?"

Sighing again, Hijikata pulled off to the side of the road.

Not driving now, he turned to his passenger.

With his hand, he delicately held her chin and turned her head to face him.

"Like I said," Hijikata began, Giving Tama a small smile whilst looking at her right in the eye, "Nothing is your fault, It's fine, I'm fine. It's gonna be okay. You did help and I'm very grateful for that."

A few seconds passed without a response from Tama.

Hijikata was just about to conclude that she herself had shut down, like his stupid car, when, all of a sudden, her eyes lit up.

"Defense mode: On." Tama declared.

"Defense mode?" Hijikata asked.

"Target: Sexual Harassment offender." Tama went on.

That's when he realized that she may have not appreciated him touching her chin.

"Oh." He let out, before getting blasted in the face with Tama's flame thrower.

* * *

"Oi! Watch where you're driving that piece of junk!" An angry Gintoki growled at the Shinsengumi car that had just parked outside of the bar.

He got off his own piece of junk scooter and walked over to the car.

Before he could open the driver's door himself, it hit him in the face.

Out came a sooty-faced Vice-Chief.

"Well, we're here." He grunted to his passenger.

From the other side, stepped out Tama.

Without looking at Hijikata, she said a curt 'Thank you.', before entering the bar.

Still on the ground, with a bump on his head, Gintoki squinted up at the burned Hijikata.

"What the hell happened to you?" He asked.

Hijiata gave him a glare.

"None of your business." he said, before going back inside his car.

Gintoki could clearly hear him try, and fail, at turning on his engine from inside.

The perm-head jumped when a loud boom came from where Hijikata was.

In an instant, the car turned on.

"What did he do? Kick it?" Gin muttered to himself.

Slowly, he tried to get himself upright again, only to pause with horror at the sight he saw under the Vice-Chief's car.

There, bloody but otherwise still alive, was a vengeful looking sadist, clutching to the bottom of the vehicle, waiting for the right time to exact his revenge for getting hit.

"Uh, um, excuse me. I didn't see anything." Gintoki stuttered, before getting up and rushing back inside his home, hoping that in the near future, he wouldn't be called to court as a witness to Vice-Chief Hijikata Toshirou's murder case.

* * *

Unaware of the demon underneath his car, Hijikata was on his way back to the compound.

"I'll just beat the sh*t out of anyone who brings up the misunderstanding." He muttered to himself, having finally decided on what action he'll take.

Now that he had that solved, the one issue he was avoiding during the drive back, finally resurfaced in his mind.

Just when he thought that he and the robot girl had finally gotten close, he had to touch her damn chin!

"Who the hell calls chin-touching, sexual harassment anyways!?" He growled, "I blame those damn retainers of hers, putting weird ideas into her head."

Still, he sighed, maybe he should just avoid all future interactions with Tama.

But then again, he argued, she was one of the few people whose company he might actually enjoy, if they hanged out a bit more that is.

With Tama still on his mind, He entered the Shinsengumi compound.

As soon as the gates closed, after letting Hijikata's car in,

"Die, Hijikata!"

"GYAAAAAH!"

* * *

 _ **I recently re-watched the soul switch arc and fell in love with the whole concept of Hijikata interacting with Tama, all over again. So I just had to write a continuation to their meeting in the previous chapter.**_

* * *

 _Til next time~!_


End file.
